


Don't Tell Me You Love Me While I'm Kicking Your Butt

by MinervaFan



Series: 1001 Trek Tales Archive [46]
Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Classic bit, Gen, Humor, Talent Shows
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-30
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:55:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26736220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MinervaFan/pseuds/MinervaFan
Summary: From Cheree_Cargill's "1001 Trek Tales" archive: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1618510Seriously, ya'll, I shipped Spock and Christine, but I never ever EVER took them all that seriously.
Relationships: Christine Chapel/Spock
Series: 1001 Trek Tales Archive [46]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.orghttps://archiveofourown.org/series/1618510
Kudos: 1





	Don't Tell Me You Love Me While I'm Kicking Your Butt

**Author's Note:**

> From Cheree_Cargill's "1001 Trek Tales" archive: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1618510
> 
> Seriously, ya'll, I shipped Spock and Christine, but I never ever EVER took them all that seriously.

"Don't Tell Me You Love Me While I'm Kicking Your Butt" by Minervafan - Chapter 1 - Cheree_Cargill - Star Trek: The Original Series [Archive of Our Own]

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  * [Christine Chapel/Spock](https://archiveofourown.org/tags/Christine%20Chapel*s*Spock/works)


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Language: 
     English 
Series: 
     [← Previous Work](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26665525)Part 46 of the [1001 Trek Tales Archive](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1618510) series
Stats:
    

Published:
    2020-09-29
Completed:
    2020-09-29
Words:
    4037
Chapters:
    3/3
Comments:
    8
Kudos:
    4
Hits:
    42

##  "Don't Tell Me You Love Me While I'm Kicking Your Butt" by Minervafan 

###  [Cheree_Cargill](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cheree_Cargill/pseuds/Cheree_Cargill)

### Summary:

> Morale is low on the Enterprise and the morale officer has come up with a splendid idea -- a ship wide talent show. Officers are expected to participate and Kirk makes it an order. Both Spock and Christine are stuck for an idea of what they can do, either separately or together. Then Christine makes a stunning discovery.

### Notes:

> DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek characters are the property of Paramount Studios, Inc. The story contents are the creation and property of Minervafan and is copyright (c) 2000 by Minervafan. This story is Rated PG-13.
> 
> This story posted here by express permission of the author.

###  [Chapter 1](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26716162/chapters/65172445)

### Chapter Text

Christine Chapel folded her arms tightly across her chest. "This is wrong. This is categorically, unmistakably, totally and completely wrong."

"Shhhh." Uhura sat next to her in the crowded conference room. "You know as well as I do that morale couldn't be lower. If anything is going to be done about it, we all need to be together on this."

"I'm not together on anything. You are the one with talent. You are the performer. Not me. I'm the boring, nothing out of the ordinary, head nurse type. You remember? Medical school. Research labs?" She shook her head with a firmness decidedly reminiscent of Leonard McCoy. "I'm a scientist, not a vaudeville performer."

"Leonardo da Vinci was a scientist, muh dear, and he was a musician and artist as well."

"Different century, different subject."

Uhura laughed, a sparkling contrast to her friend's dour disposition. "You just don't like it when I'm right, do you?"

Chapel's response was cut short by the sound of the door whishing open behind her. "Oh, lord," she muttered as the ship's morale officer, Craig Lembeck, hurried into the conference room.

"Hi-ho, gang. So glad you could make it on such short notice. I see most of you have helped yourselves to the refreshments. As I mentioned in my memo, this is just a short planning meeting for the first ever _Enterprise_ Talent Extravaganza." He grinned broadly, bright white teeth flashing from the baby-face which belied his age. "Come on, don't knock me down with the enthusiasm, folks." This was met with something just short of dead silence. A single cough echoed in the back of the room, but mainly the officers gathered in the room just stared blankly ahead.

If this lack of response fazed the morale officer, he didn't let it show. He just plowed on with the same energetic approach. "I've asked you here for this planning meeting because you are the best and the brightest. Each of you is a leader in your own department, a person to whom others look up."

"Well, yeah, if they're flat on their back in Sickbay, there's not much else to do but look up," Chapel muttered.

"Nurse Chapel," Lembeck continued, latching on to the slight motion she made when she leaned to deliver her _sotto voce_ barb to Uhura. "You practically run Sickbay. And being so close to the nerve center of ship's medicine, you know how important morale is to the crew."

Chapel sputtered, caught off guard. "Uhmm, well, yeah… I mean…."

"And as head nurse, I know you take the current morale crisis very seriously."

"Well, of course I…"

"Then I can count on your support with this?" He took her glassy countenance for agreement and continued enthusiastically, walking over to the other side of the conference room where attention had waned. "I need all of you to support this, each and every one of you. Now, I know that some of you have reservations about performing on stage, but I assure you, the potential rewards far outweigh the risks."

"Not if I ever get him in the operating room," Chapel muttered.

* * *

The Captain's quarters were much more comfortable, if no less rife with controversy.

"You have given me no sound reasons why this display should have any positive affect on ship's morale."

Kirk shook his head for the umpteenth time and turned a helpless glance to his Chief Medical Officer. "Bones, can you explain this to him?"

McCoy, caught with a hand full of the clever sandwich triangles he'd grabbed from the catering tray, laughed. "What he's trying to say, Spock, is that nothing cheers up the common worker more than watching his or her boss make a complete fool of him or herself. Especially in public."

"That is utterly illogical, Dr. McCoy."

Kirk laughed as well. The generous spread of food and drink at the table was evidence he had planned on a hard-sell with Spock. "It may be illogical, but it's a time-honored human tradition." He ignored the raised eyebrow that told him exactly what Spock thought of so many time-honored human traditions. "There is a leveling that takes place, a realization that The Boss is just another guy or gal trying to do a job."

Spock's expression, or lack thereof, indicated quite clearly that he was not convinced. "Such a display does not correct the problems which cause the decreased morale. It is simply a diversion."

"You're right, there. And we are all aware of which root problems can be fixed and which are just part of the job. We're working on the solvable problems, Spock. But this diversion, as you call it, is more…" He turned helplessly to McCoy, who was too busy with his third salmon-salad sandwich triangle to supply the elusive word, "…symbolic. Yeah, it's a symbolic gesture to the crew. To show that we appreciate them, that we're willing to put ourselves on the line in an act of humor and goodwill. Even Bones has signed up."

McCoy swallowed quickly, not willing to let that opportunity pass without comment. "That's right, Spock. Why, the McCoy family tree is just full of travelling snake-oil salesmen, masters of wit and wonder, whose feats of prestidigitation were equaled only by their skill with the gentler sex." He straightened. "It would be criminal not to share that talent with the crew."

Kirk hesitated, but continued as if McCoy had actually made a valid contribution to the argument. "Even I plan on participating."

"You?" This came simultaneously from McCoy and Spock.

"Yes, me." If Kirk was affronted by their concerned exchange of glances, he didn't let it show. "I've been known to do a little magic with a ballad in my day. Back in the Academy, they called me 'Golden Throat' Kirk."

"Uh, well, Jim…"

"Captain, I do not feel it would be appropriate…"

Kirk silenced them both with wave of his hand. "Nonsense, gentlemen. I insist. I want my crew to know that I'm willing to go out on a limb for them. And if I can give them a few minutes of entertainment in the process, all the better."

Another exchange of pointed glances between First Officer and CMO. Then McCoy said, "Uh, Jim, you do realize that, as Master of Ceremonies, you're gonna be on stage a whole lot. And it is an unwritten show business rule that the Master of Ceremonies never takes a coveted spot for himself."

"But what about that guy from the Miss Galaxy contest? He always sings a song."

"Hack. Completely unprofessional. My great-great-great-granddaddy, Whistle-Stop McCoy, would have had him shot at dawn for the bounder he was." Kirk looked doubtful, but McCoy pressed his advantage. "No, Jim, as Master of Ceremonies, it is your job to make the other guys look good. To perform a song of your own would be positively…." He struggled for the word.

"Unsafe?" Spock supplied.

"Ungentlemanly," McCoy covered. "Why, Jim, you're the captain. You get all the glory, all the time. You can't think of taking the spotlight away from your people. That would destroy the whole purpose of this show."

"Well," Kirk looked doubtful. "If you really think it would be unprofessional…"

"Beyond unprofessional. No, it is not the Master of Ceremonies' place to perform in the show." The doctor turned a mischievous gaze at Spock. "But it is absolutely imperative that someone of command rank participate."

"Mr. Scott has already volunteered to play his bagpipes." Spock ignored the scowl on McCoy's face. "And while Lt. Uhura is not officially considered command rank, she has assumed that responsibility on more than one occasion. She has already informed me that she will be singing. Therefore, Doctor, it appears that criterion has been more than adequately met."

"Aw, c'mon, Spock. I've seen you pull that blasted Vulcan lyre out and play at the drop of a hat. Throw in a couple of scantily clad dancing girls, several bottle of good Kentucky whiskey, and you're two inches shy of being actually entertaining."

"My lyre is in a shop in ShiKahr, being repaired. Even if I were interesting in this public display, I would be unable to comply to your request."

Kirk, sensing a weakening in the sentry walls, chimed in, "Well, Spock, I'm sure we could program the replicators for a Vulcan lyre. It's not standard, but I know a few people with pull in ship's stores."

"A replicated lyre is out of the question. On the whole, replicated lyres are unable to produce the subtleties of sound inherent in their hand-made counterparts."

"Oh, don't fall back on that musical snobbery." McCoy made a grab for yet another sandwich, this time a vegetarian surprise on cracked wheat. "There must be something you can do. I'm pulling rabbits out of a hat, and Golden Throat here has even volunteered to belt out a version of 'Rocket Man' for us. It's not like talent is a prerequisite here."

"Hey," Kirk started.

"Listen, Spock. Let's make this interesting. Jim, get that commemorative coin you got from the Viazhali Mardi Gras Ball. Heads or tails, Spock?"

"I beg your pardon?"

McCoy took the coin from a still-scowling Kirk. "Heads or tails. If I win, you do the show. Without complaints. If you win, I manage your personnel rosters for a month."

"Dr. McCoy, introducing an element of chance does not strengthen your argument. Rather, it shows a desperation which indicates a serious lack of logic."

"What did you mean by, 'Golden Throat here'," Kirk continued.

"Jim, focus. Tell Spock that it's a good idea."

The Captain dropped his musings for a moment, then turned to his First Officer. "Mr. Spock, I could make this an order. But that would probably do nothing for your morale. At least with Bones, you have a 50/50 shot of getting out of it."

"Actually, the odds in a simple coin toss are not truly 50/50…"

"Heads or tails, Spock?"

"Heads." The coin sparkled as it spun heads over tails through the air before landing in the palm of Dr. McCoy's hand.

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